TOTALLY BOGUS NEWS BITES

Buck Stops In Undisclosed Location—White House Staff Baffled                                                                            Washington, D. C.                                                                                                            July 15, 2004

White House press secretary, Scott McClellan, announced in his daily press briefing on Thursday that the entire White House is involved in a search for “the missing buck”.  The errant currency came to the administration’s attention earlier in the week when a small group of persistent White House reporters queried McClellan about its current location.  The White House message-meister read a written statement that included a brief response from the president:  “I’m not sure what buck you’re talking about,” President Bush said, “but I haven’t seen it. Nope.  I looked twice all over the Oval Office.  It’s not here.” Similarly, when reached for comment, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld denied any knowledge of the buck or its where-a-bouts:  “We’re not even sure there ever was a buck,” Rumsfeld said. “You people are letting your imaginations run away with you. First of all, there are many different kinds and denominations of bucks. It could have come through here and nobody even noticed it. That kind of thing happens all the time. Or it could’ve gotten lost over at Langley, or the Pentagon.  It’s all conjecture at this point.  One thing I am sure of, it never got near the Oval Office. We have precise intelligence on that.” McClellan assured reporters that the administration would “spare no effort” to find the buck, even to the point of interviewing maintenance staff, but added, “You have to realize we’re really busy these days.  Bucks come and go, but the president has an election to win.”

Michael Moore Caught Buying Latte at New Jersey Truck Stop-- Newark, NJ                                                                           July 17, 2004

Janine Scroggins and Clark Bellweather, never thought they’d brush shoulders with the rich and famous when they left Arlington, VA on a pleasure trip to New York City last Friday. Scroggins and Bellweather, both students at the Virginia-based Leadership Institute, just happened to pull into the Lucky Star Truck Stop near an off-ramp of I-95 near Newark for breakfast. “We’d just been talking about Fahrenheit 9/11 and how you could edit video to make people appear to say just about anything you wanted,” said Clark, “and in walks this sloppy obese guy in a baseball cap, waddling along like a beached walrus.” “We couldn’t believe our eyes,” recounted Janine.  “It was Michael Moore, scraggly beard, shirt-tail out, tennis-shoes and all”.  The couple sat stunned and then amused as Moore made a beeline, past rows of steaming coffee pots with fresh-brewed regular coffee, and stepped right up to the latte machine. Next Moore allegedly went to the pastry counter and grabbed a cheese Danish before topping off his pile of booty with a ham and egg croissant from the self-service hot food counter.  “Can you believe the hypocrisy?” asked Clark. “I mean this guy’s supposed to be Mr. Working Man Hero-- Mr. Populism-- but he’s out there hogging down nothing but anti-American foreign junk food that a real working man can’t even pronounce.”

Cable Installer Fingers Terrorist Granny                 Zane, Texas                                                                                            July 17, 2004

When cable installer Milton Mobley learned the federal government’s TIPS (Terrorist Information and Prevention System) program had been scrapped in November, 2002, he was shocked and dismayed.  Mobley had geared up for his new roll as what he called “a clandestine community intelligence operative—or CCIO” by purchasing a digital camera with a zoom lens. Nearly two years later Mobley learned on TV that law enforcement agencies were again recruiting people like him to be their “eyes and ears” in local communities.  He considered himself “reactivated”.  Shortly thereafter, he got a work order for the residence of 81-yr-old Eadie Dewberry. After she admitted Mobley to the house, he overheard her talking on the phone in another room.  “She mentioned Afghanistan and a ‘big surprise’ she was getting ready,” Mobley reported.  His suspicion was further aroused when he came upon Mrs. Dewberry out on the porch behind her house. “She was hiding something behind her back.  There was this black bag she had out there, and I could see a bunch of colored wires sticking up.” That was enough for CCIO Mobley.  He went out to his truck and called the sheriff’s department. When officers arrived they found Mrs. Dewberry still out back smoking a cigarette.  As they approached, she stomped the cigarette and tried to hide it beneath her shoe.  In the bag they found several bundles of yarn and a partially-knitted afghan. A thorough search of the premises turned up nothing. Mrs. Dewberry was arrested for a 3-yr-old outstanding parking ticket, however, and taken downtown. Saltlick County Sheriff, Ray Tollerance, said he was sorry for Mrs. Dewberry, but defended his department and Mr. Mobley. “It might seem far-fetched that a person of such senior age would be making a bomb,” he said, “but it seemed pretty far-fetched when they hijacked them airplanes with pocket knives too.  At the very least, this ought to be a lesson that you damned-well better pay your traffic tickets in Saltlick County.”